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[19 Aug 2009|02:26am] |
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music |
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The Arcade Fire |
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I have been slacking on posts.
Blehhh. Must stop that.
My absolute favorite, is laying in bed in the middle of the night with my headphones.
The kind that are big and cover your ears entirely, drowning out any outside sounds.
You can hear every bit of the music you are listening to, so clearly.
Really helps me appreciate the music.
Anyways...
I have had another one of my life altering experiences.
The ones that force me to change the things I had recently been beginning to loathe about myself.
For one, I need to stop thinking I'm special, or significantly important, to people around me.
I have to remember that people are selfish, self-centered, and will crush you, if you give them the power.
Whether they mean to, or not.
I let myself become all too vulnerable sometimes.
I forget the lessons I have learned, and am quickly reminded of them with backlash.
See, people can't hurt you, if you don't give them the ammo to!
If you get too comfortable around people, they learn your weaknesses.
They end up using them against you.
Don't let your guard down!
This may seem very sad.
Sad that I have so many walls and protections.
That I don't get too close to people.
But, it is better this way!
I am so much happier this way!
People ask me, 'why don't you have a best friend?? '
I don't want one!
A best friend, for girls, is someone you give yourself entirely to.
It's almost like getting into a relationship, but with your favorite friend.
That is dangerous!
I've learned, that the more you reveal to someone, the greater power they have to hurt you.
I'm not saying you should become some shelled ice block though. No!
Just give yourself in spoonfuls, not buckets.
I am talking about this, because I had a rude awakening.
I was able to see some of my friends for what their true desires make of them.
Examples:
-He only wants to know the drama, so that he can be special. Tell it over again to eager ears. Be payed attention to.
-He only wants to have fun and forget the negative, at ANY cost. If you get in his way, he'll roll his eyes, ignore you, and relish in your misery later. Judge you. You are easily replaceable to him, as long as he has one focal point of fun. One day you're his favorite jester, the next you're tossed out like an old toy.
-He just wants company for his misery. Someone to exchange his horror stories with. Be equal outcasts.
-She just wants to party. Either contribute, or get the fuck out of the way. She loves to step on others to climb higher.
-He needs to be the center of attention. If you aren't going to help keep him there, then you aren't important, and he doesn't want you around.
Enough.
I've distanced myself from those who have hurt me.
That is all that matters.
More, and more, I become closer to the girl I once was.
The strong one, who could brush off anything, and get back up again.
A face that never faltered.
The hardest lesson I'm teaching myself, I think, is to know when to keep my mouth shut.
Too often I have word vomit.
I get nervous and say way too much. I end up sounding like a fool.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Actually, MOST things are better left unsaid.
If only I could install a real filter.
On a whole different note:
I've been trying to hangout with different people.
I went on a midnight motorcycle ride with Nate.
Man, it was fun.
The stars looked absolutely beautiful.
Also, caught up with Travis and his friend Jake.
I really do get along with boys much better.
I have hardly any girl friends. They're all acquaintances too.
I like it better this way. Less drama.
I'm not really sure what is going on with this post. Haha.
Honestly, I'm just writing as an excuse to avoid sleep and continue listening to music.
I guess all my posts are unorganized, scattered, random, and just confusing to anybody who isn't me.
Then again, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who remembers this journal exists!
Doesn't matter to me either way, if people read this or not.
If you do, you are getting a complete, uncensored glimpse into the real me.
I don't tell anybody the things I freely divulge into this journal.
Odd how things work out that way.
I work so hard to keep my thoughts to myself, to keep people blocked out.
Yet, I voluntarily put all my cards on this livejournal table.
Goodnight Livejournal.
You've been my most loyal friend.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[26 Jul 2009|02:40pm] |
Happy. Happy. Happy.
Vegas was AMAZING.
Didn't get carded once.
Drank it up in the casino, the bars, the restaurants, EVERYWHERE.
It was TIGHT.
Had fun visiting with the fam.
Went out to dinner with everyone twice while we were there. Each time dinner was almost $500! RIDIC!
Had a good week.
Spent it with Mr. Man.
Yesterday, was fun too.
The krew went down to Anacortes for a bbq/party at Ian's.
Ate some bomb food. (Favorite was Derek's salmon! It was soooo good and fresh! He wrestled it out of the mouth of a seal! No joke.)
Played some pong (which wasn't that great, actually. Haven't played in a long time, the table was really long, half the rules were gone, and Ian is waaayyy too competitive.
Got drizzunk.
Most everyone stayed the night.
I took Jedward and his boy toy Chase home, then headed to Mr. Man's house for the night.
Been downloading tons of new music lately. Yay.
Current obsessions:
Little Boots.
Deluxe album of The E.N.D.
Mike Posner.
This post is extremely unorganized. I apologize.
I've been so busy lately, and I felt like I should post something.
Just not sure what! Haha.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[14 Jul 2009|11:38am] |
Happy Bastille Day!
There is a weird mix of good and bad in my life right now.
I'm leaving for Las Vegas in a few days.
I'm really excited. :) It should be tons of fun.
Chris is moving to Texas. :(
Which, is really sad.
I'm going to see Harry Potter TONIGHT! asdfghjkl;
SO EFFING EXCITED! You have no idea.
My friend tried to kill herself.
She just got out of the hospital, and I can't get a hold of her.
I could have talked her down, but my phone got shut off and she had no way to call me.
I'm so worried, and I feel horrible.
I've been getting a lot more go-go dancing gigs.
And Claire's is going to hire me.
Something happened to my bestie, Jedward.
He won't talk about it, but there are rumors that he was gay bashed.
I wish he would just talk to us about it.
I'm so worried.
There are a few other ups and downs.
But, I don't really wanna mention it right now.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[05 Jul 2009|10:35pm] |
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I'm excited to go home to my bed tonight.
Haven't slept in my bed in almost a week.
It will be weird to sleep alone again? Only two more weeks till Vegas!
I can't wait. My thoughts are all over the place.
So many good things in life right now. Posted via LiveJournal.app.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[29 Jun 2009|12:02am] |
How do people not get sick of the same routine over and over?
You think it's all Party! Fun! "Friends"!
Looking at it from the outside, it's a dull, repetitious game of hide and seek.
Anyways, Maria and I decided last minute WE ARE GOING TO PRIDE!
Boy, that was the most amazing idea!
Minus waking up early after a long night!
The weather was perfect!
The people were great!
A crowd just chillin and not GIVIN A FUCK!
Of course, I don't mean the 'don't give a fuck' douchey way "tough" people pride themselves on...
It was more of, you can dance if you want to, take your clothes off if it's too hot, wear what you want, be who you want, LOVE who you want kind of way!
A big group of us all met in Seattle center.
Huge dance party, tons of people running through the fountain to cool off, and I ran into TONS of people I knew!
And met many new ones!
One that particularly stands out, was Tasha. She had some interesting things to say. Cool girl. We have a bit in common. Especially, similar people on our bad side.
Anyways, too exhausted to go into more detail.
This weekend was amazing:
-Saw my favorite band. (With one of my favorite people.)
-Got all my posters signed and chatted with each band member after the show for a while.
-Had an amazing night out on the town with my lovelies.
-Unbelievable time at Pride '09
-DANCED MY ASS OFF! in my undies with friends and got quite the ego boosts throughout the day.
-Saw old friends, and made new ones.
LOVE, PEACE, && EQUALITY!
= !!!!
i love you all. <3
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[21 Jun 2009|01:12pm] |
Sooooooooooooooo giddy! :D
Mr. Durand says, he is glad to see me this way.
Me too!
Ohboy ohboy ohbooooyyyy!
Oh, what you do to me.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[10 Jun 2009|08:57pm] |
OH!
PS: Adam is coming home tomorrow! Yayyy.
I'll be picking him up from the airport tomorrow afternoon.
I'm excited. :D
I've missed him oh, so, much.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[10 Jun 2009|08:49pm] |
I hate that it's so much to ask, just to be friends.
No drama. No strings. No trouble.
Eh, anyways.
Life is great.
I love my job. I love my friends. I love my fun weekends. ;)
The only thing I really miss, is my family.
I miss my bestfriend/cousin Tisha.
I miss my aunt Charlene and the kids.
And I, especially, miss my brother.
I saw him last week.
But, it just isn't the same.
Anywho!
I love everyone.
I'm constantly in a happy happy mood.
I just wanna give everyone a big ol' hug. :D
<3
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[03 Jun 2009|10:54am] |
This weather brings me back.
I feel alive again. Like ME.
I've been having a blast with my friends.
Enjoying the sun, going out, living the fabulous life.
There's a certain person whom I can't quite figure out.
I hope I do soon though.
Momma needs her steady flow of suga.
I've been getting a nice flow of work goin.
Which, has been really nice.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[25 May 2009|04:14am] |
I have a secret.
God, I wish I could brag to the whole world.
asdfghjkl;
i can't say ANYTHING without giving it way.
Oh, and can I just say? I'm getting SOOO sick of the mall.
Hate that place. Always have.
With everyone, it seems there's always SOMETHING we have to get there.
A shirt for the white party, or the red party. New cologne. New sunglasses.
WHATEVER.
I can't wait until my mom is OUTTA THERE.
So I can never go back. :D
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[20 May 2009|01:38am] |
Oh. My. God.
Harry Potter. 3D. Imax.
For those of you that have known me for a while...
YES I STILL GEEK THE FUCK OUT OVER HARRY POTTER.
Get over it.
A HUGE group of us are going, and making a day out of it in Seattle.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[19 May 2009|02:32pm] |
Oh! Ps: Can I just mention how much I love riding on motorcycles?
I was picked up on one this weekend, and it was AWESOME. Perfect temperature outside too.
Maybe I should get a little motorcycle ? :)
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[19 May 2009|02:25pm] |
I'm so excited for my new job.
It's new, risk taking, EXCITING.
And it pays ridiculously well.
Exactly what I needed.
I'm enrolling back into college too.
My friends are great.
I think I've casually found what I wanted.
And, best of all, I'm not thinking of anything negative.
Or childishly telling myself ways that I'm right and other people are wrong.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[11 May 2009|11:29pm] |
I had a very lazy day today.
I was a bum all day, then proceeded to head over to Anthony's.
He cooked dinner for Jedward, Jared, himself, and I.
Delicious Adobo with rice.
I love the constant Phillipino cooking that's been going on lately.
It really make me miss my family.
If I had the money, I'd run away to Cali with Adam for a few weeks.
Stay with Nana and see the kids.
Eat her home cookin and chill out on the porch with Charlene; laughing, and telling stories about how crazy the people in our lives are.
I could spend all day, dreaming of what I wish for.
I've been finding myself, a bit lonely lately.
I long for the romance I see in movies and commercials.
But, at the same time, I want to see if I can function by myself.
I've spent the last year and a half with somebody.
I don't remember what it's like to be on my own.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't even talking to a boy.
I've always had somebody to toy with.
I feel like I need to grow up from my usual playful, kitten self; batting around boys like mice, constantly losing interest.
I need to become an independent cat.
For lack of a better metaphor...
I feel this is the time for me to stand on my own two feet for once.
In all aspects of my life.
I am NINETEEN.
I want something to show for it!
Which bring me to another topic...
There are many things I've been procrastinating.
I know, I just need to bite the bullet and sit down and deal with this.
But, I don't know what the hell to say.
Every time I talk to somebody, confront them, I have an idea of what I'm going to say.
I pretty much plan out ahead of time, the points I'm going to make, the direction of the conversation, and key phrases that I'd like to say.
In a rare occurrence, I have no clue what I'm going to say.
Oh, boy.
Anyways, this post has quickly run on to a rambling jumble of words.
Half of these things won't make sense to anybody else, but me.
Although, the only reason I write in this journal is for me. Haha.
At least, that's what I tell myself every time I update.
It's part of the reason I can open up, and not censor what I write. To a point.
Here I go again.
GOODNIGHT!
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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[10 May 2009|01:53pm] |
I took Adam to the airport this morning.
I'm so jealous that he's in Palm Springs!
Bellingham weather is teasing me. It's almost warm, but not quite enough for my liking.
I've had the most wonderful week with him.
I've been eating HEALTHY. And no fast food.
I'm a sucker for cakes and candy, but I think that's okay.
I'm not eating NEARLY as much of it, as I would be.
I think, Adam is a good influence on me.
Even though, regarding sweets, I can be a terrible influence on him. ;p
He brings out my sophisticated, intelligent, and healthy side.
A side of me, that is rarely brought out, but I enjoy most.
Kinda reminds me of when I used to hangout with Jeff.
Although, back then, I was an annoying 15 year old who tripped over all of her words.
I think, I can hold my own a bit nowadays.
I, also, love the vast change in character I get when Anthony comes charging through. Ha!
Around him, I get my vulgar, spastic, little girl side brought out in me.
Two polar opposites, that somehow create a good time. :)
Haha; look at me.
I am smitten with my new friends.
I am a person, whom the people around me bring out different sides that I have.
Not, in a fake way. (Unless, that is your opinion of me?)
I'm always ME.
Each side, is a reflection of me.
I've just got so many interests, and moods, and ways of being.
People who are into the same certain things I am, obviously those topics are going to come up more.
I consider that a "side" of me.
On the off hand, if I don't like the side you bring out in me... I won't be around you.
Even if it hurts me, and you, I will stop coming around.
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♥Crown me your grasshopper king
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